Quiz Show - Clifford T. Ward

I know you love the quiz shows

I know you love the quiz shows

I know you love the quiz shows

I know you love the quiz shows

And our final contestant tonight comes from. .

Where was it again you said you come from?

An well, it doesn’t mater

Let’s make him welcome shall we folks?

Right, here we go —

A number of questions —

You provide the correct answers in the allotted time

And you win a lovely prize

Are you ready?

Yep

Who is the Prime Minister of England?

Ah, it’s a woman. I know it’s a woman. I think it’s a woman

Who replaced Terry Wogan on the radio?

Ah, that’s a suave, slick Scotchman

I wouldn’t leave him alone with my missus, I know that

In a sentence, what is the basis for modern thinking in society?

Star Trek is it? Oh I love the black doll in that show

What does anaphobic mean?

Oh now, that’s lucky: I learnt that this morning:

It’s a hatred of -er- foreign women isn’t it? Ooh, I can’t understand that

I love women wherever they come from — they’re all nice aren’t they?

Who wears a blue uniform and is always there if you need help?

Mother Theresa?

What is a surrogate mother?

Ooh, that’s my missus

She ain’t got two ha’pennies to rub together come Wednesday

What is the role of the quiz show?

Cheese was it? No, no, I tell a lie. It was ham in mine

I can only accept your first answer — sorry

Who is the Queen of England?

Oh, it’s a woman. I know it’s a woman. I think it’s a woman

Who is the leader of the opposition?

Oh that’s a woman for sure, it’s my missus

What’s the meaning of the word 'horrendous'?

A bad woman is it?

What’s the capital of Italy?

Oh I know that, it’s -er- Nipples — I — I mean Naples

Name the four counties in the United Kingdom

This is easy — England, Scotland, Wales and London

In a sentence, what do you know about the SDP Liberal Alliance?

Oh, is that the one my missus goes to where they do flower arranging

And -er- make wicker baskets and things?

Oh, there’s some nice women there

Who is Shirley Williams?

Oh, she goes there does she?

Oh yes, she’s good at the flower arranging, so my missus tells me

Who had a hit record with the song 'Wuthering Heights'?

Val Doonican is it? No, no, I know it’s a woman though

Who or what is Dow Jones?

A womaniser is he?

What does Danny La Rue do?

Oh, she dresses up as a man — is that right?

Well, you’ve done very well. Wendy, bring on the prizes

Now which would you like to take home with you

The computer, the TV, the video or the holiday for two in Majorca?

Ooh, I’ll have Wendy can I?

I’ve seen 'em do that on the Tele — you know

The girl brings on the prizes

And they say «I don’t like the prizes, I’d rather have the girl»

Alright, you’ve won Wendy, off you go the pair of you

Thank you for being a marvellous contestant

Let’s hear it for 'em, shall we?

Put you hands together and give them a big round warm of women —

I mean applause

I love the quiz shows, I love the quiz shows

Don’t you love the quiz shows?

I know you love the quiz shows

The BBC knows you love the quiz shows

And all the independents know you love the quiz shows

America taught us to love the quiz shows

I love the quiz shows, I love the quiz shows

I love the quiz shows, I love the quiz shows